Pushing a Wrestler Does NOT Increase the Wrester’s Chance of Success
Earlier this morning I watched a short video posted by a well-respected wrestling coach telling parents to push their children more. The coach made some valid points; however, his points were packaged in the wrong message.
I don’t want to call out the coach by name to start a debate with him. Instead, I will just make a simple argument to differentiate between pushing a child and encouraging a child. Looking at the basic dictionary definition of the two words you find there is a subtle but critical difference.
- encouragement: the action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope
- push: to exert force or move forward by using force
Not too hard to figure out why one is better than the other in the context of youth wrestling after reading these definitions. There is not one person alive who enjoys someone forcing them to do something. On the other hand, you would have to be crazy not to welcome receiving support, confidence, and hope.
To put it another way, encouraging comes from a place of positivity, pushing comes from a place of anger or fear. Encouraging develops a child’s self-motivation, pushing decreases a child’s self-motivation. Above all, encouraging is about the child, pushing is about the parent or coach.
Pushing a Child Has Limits That Plateau During the Adolescent Years
There is a simple truth about parenting that’s hard to understand and accept. Pushing a child to do better, be better, and achieve more has limits. These limits may not appear until it’s too late to self-correct.
When a child is first starting to develop their independence around 3rd or 4th grade, pushing a child still works. At these younger ages you can push your child to do better, be better, and achieve more than any other child in their age group. This early success can be very gratifying for a parent. Unfortunately, early success that’s a result of heavy handed parental influence backfires.
As a child matures into the adolescent years, the playing field changes. It’s in this stage of development that true elite talent starts to emerge. This is because some adolescent children start to develop their true passions in life. Passion that fuels self-motivation, that in turn fuels determination.
When you compare an adolescent that had early success as a result of heavy handed parental influence against a self-motivated child that is a “late bloomer” there is a stark difference. More often than not, the early achiever will plateau at good and the late bloomer will accelerate to great.
Encouragement = Pushing a Child to Develop Self-Motivation
Unquestionably, wrestlers who are self-motivated will always have an advantage over wrestlers who are pushed by their parents or coaches. There is just no way around this. As a result, the best thing a parent can do when they can’t help themselves when it comes to pushing their child, is to push their child to find self-motivation. What’s more, this starts by referring back to the definition of encouragement vs. pushing.
This means encouraging your child to learn about their innate strengths and support them as they develop the confidence to use those strengths. This also means encouraging your child to develop their self-awareness and giving them the tools they need to tap into what uniquely makes them tick.
Self-Motivation Looks Different in Different Athletes
Once a child develops the skills to motivate themselves, the sky’s the limit. However, there is no one size fits all solution for self-motivation. It’s much easier to be an effective coach or parent when you can tailor your approach to fit an athlete’s unique personality and strengths.
Some athletes find their self-motivation when they have autonomy over what they do or how they do it. Others find their self-motivation when they can easily see themselves continually getting better or making progress. In addition, another type of athlete may need the context of a realistic step-by-step plan that connects with a purpose statement to find their self-motivation.
Understand What Innately Makes an Athlete Tick or Risk Sacrificing Great Just to Push Them to Good
When a parent or coach just pushes a child regardless of their innate strengths and personality, they may be able to push them to good, but they will never push them to great. The fact is, when you push your child without understanding what innately makes them tick you sacrifice their great just to push them to good.
Pushing a wrestler to good will make them state champs, but this will sacrifice their ability to win on a national stage. Pushing a wrestler to good will get them into a good college, but this will sacrifice their ability to graduate. Finally, pushing a wrestler to good can make them look successful on paper, but this will sacrifice their success when it counts.
To conclude the takeaway is simple. Push your child only so they can learn to push themselves. If you get frustrated because you can’t figure out how to do this, don’t just push harder. Step back and direct your energy towards understanding your child’s personality at a deeper level. Focus on their strengths, not their weaknesses. Then use this deeper understanding to encourage your child more, not push them more.