5 Ways Parents can Support Their Child in Developing Self-Motivation
Psychology professor Dr. Edward Deci is commonly recognized as one of the world’s leading researchers on motivation. His research shows that if you want a subordinate to show self-motivation you must first be what’s called autonomy supportive. This means being less controlling, more empathetic, and sometimes doing things how the subordinate wants even if you don’t agree.
Given that, there are 5 things parents can do to support their child in developing self-motivation using Deci’s research. These 5 recommendations apply Deci’s approach to creating autonomy supportive environments in supervisor/subordinate relationships to foster a subordinate’s self-motivation.
1. Change Your Perspective
The perspective of a parent doesn’t foster self-motivation. Parents generally come from a place of do what I say not what I do. Therefore, the first thing a parent must do to support their child’s development of self-motivation is to see things from their perspective. This means acknowledging their feelings, their wants, and their innate personality traits. In addition to acknowledging these things, also take these things into consideration to support them rather than judge.
If you aren’t willing to change your perspective and see things through the eyes of your child, none of the other 4 suggestions will matter.
2. Offer Choice
Controlling everything your child does for the first 18 years of their life enforces a subordinate mindset. The fact is that when you don’t teach children how to make choices for themselves they learn to prefer to be told what to do by others.
Instead of controlling your child’s decisions, share the power of decision making. This means instead of always telling your child exactly what to do, provide several options that they can choose from. In addition, instead of telling them exactly how to do something, involve them in the process of figuring out how.
3. Stop Providing Answers and Start Providing Information
When your child has a problem or issue it’s easy to give them the answer. However, this does not support building decision making skills and ultimately will limit their development of self-motivation. Instead of being the source of answers, be the source of information. Specifically, information the child doesn’t have access to or has trouble finding after already attempting to find it on their own.
4. Provide Your Why
One of the most common and most overused parenting cliches is “because I said so!” It’s a quick and easy way to avoid explaining the why behind a parenting directive. Unfortunately, if you want to support a child’s development of self-motivation there is no quick and easy “because I said so” method.
Instead, it’s important to provide the why behind suggestions and directives. The why is what helps you consider the child’s perspective as you provide a valid answer. In addition, this will help your child understand your decision making process and in turn help them improve their process.
5. Avoid Controlling Language
Deci’s research shows that controlling language decreases motivation. Controlling language includes words and phrases similar to the following:
- Should as in “you should brush your teeth before bed”
- Must as in “you must eat your vegetables if you want dessert”
- Expect as in “I expect you to make your bed every morning”
Controlling language applies pressure, and the research shows that when people are pushed with unnecessary pressure it undermines their motivation and creativity. As an alternative, try using encouraging words that support the child’s perspective.