Four Alternative Methods to Yelling That Motivate Behavior Change in Kids
Yesterday I shared three facts about yelling at kids. These facts should motivate any parent or coach to stop using yelling as a tool for behavior change.
- Kids dislike people who yell all the time.
- Yelling at kids lowers their self-esteem and drives higher rates of depression.
- Yelling does not improve behavior and can instead make behavior worse.
Given these three facts, there is really no reason to implement yelling as a strategy to motivate a behavior change. Below are four alternatives that I suggest you try instead.
Alternative Method to Yelling #1: Change the Firmness of your Tone Instead of Raising the Volume of Your Tone
First off, I need to say this. If you find yourself yelling at kids who are isolated in one-on-one situations then you may need professional help with anger management. On the other hand, if you find yourself yelling most often in large groups this method is worth a try.
Instead of yelling, change the firmness of your tone instead of the volume of your tone. Communicate the behavior change using very direct language. State exactly what you want without metaphors or any other figure of speech.
If you are targeting an individual kid in a group setting, calmly find a moment to pull that kid to the side. Then look him or her in the eyes and calmly communicate exactly the behavior you want to change.
You may even want to try to over exaggerate this by whispering. Sometimes whispering can get kids to pay even more attention to what you are saying.
Alternative Method to Yelling #2: Spend More Time Communicating Rules, Expectations, and Consequences
It’s possible that the reason a kid is causing you to yell is that they don’t understand the rules, expectations, and consequences. If you find yourself yelling too often, it’s probably worth your time to create a formal document with these items written. Then make sure all those involved have a copy, understand them, and accept them.
In fact, using this method makes using method #1 easier. For one thing, when you have written rules, expectations, and consequences, being direct is simple. In addition, when kids understand why they are being disciplined they are less likely to make excuses and more likely to take personal responsibility for their actions.
Alternative Method to Yelling #3: Seek Understanding By Asking Questions
Often, when a kid is doing something wrong they don’t even know why. Pausing to seek understanding of the their thought process is often a good method to drive behavior change. When you ask good, thoughtful questions, you can help a kid understand their own behavior.
Rhetorical and demeaning questions don’t count either. Start by being empathetic. Then ask questions that create a step by step path to help the kids come to the conclusion you think will help.
Alternative Method to Yelling #4: Compromise to Develop Intrinsic Motivation to Change
The last thing an adult wants to do is compromise with a kid. However, this may be one of the best ways to drive long term behavior change. After using method #3, you may discover a compromise that creates a win-win in the situation.
Furthermore, by compromising you may be able to help develop their intrinsic motivation to change instead of using the extrinsic “carrot-and-stick” method. Intrinsic motivation is always the best motivation to drive change and compromise is a secret weapon for this.