Raising Confident Children Doesn’t Work How You Think
One of the biggest misconceptions about raising confident children is that you can speak it into existence. While I’m a big proponent of the “words matter” school of thought as well as an advocate of positive self-talk, there is a major caveat when it comes to confidence. Particularly, when it comes to raising confident children, parents must not only mind what they say, but also how they say it and when they say it.
The fact is negative words from others and negative self-talk works negatively 100% of the time. On the other hand, positive words from others and positive self-talk does NOT work positively 100% of the time. This is unfortunate. It would be great if positivity worked the same way as negativity, but in reverse. However, life just isn’t that simple.
In reality, positivity only works positively when it’s backed by effort or facts. If not, it’s just a lie. Indeed, you can’t lie your way to confidence. Therefore, a parent can’t just praise a child for being smart or talented to build their confidence when their effort or factual results doesn’t support this. In fact, instead of building a child’s confidence, praising them will do the reverse.
The Secret to Raising a Confident Child
Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D. in her preeminent book on mindset states the following:
Parents think they can hand children permanent confidence – like a gift – by praising their brains and talent. It doesn’t work, and in fact has the opposite effect. It makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong. If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, seek new strategies, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence.
So, the secret to raising a confident child is as Dweck suggest, teaching “children to love challenges” as well as showing them how to “build and repair their own confidence” without needing your praise or the praise of anyone else. In a world where so many people are addicted to seeking validation on social media to nurture their confidence, teaching your child how not to be “slaves of praise” may be one of the most important things you can do raising a child in this generation.