Parents Must Stop Using Motivation as the Solution to Every Problem
One of the biggest parenting mistakes I see most often is over subscribing to the idea that motivation solves all problems. Many parents believe that any time their kid struggles it’s the result of a lack of motivation. Whether it’s getting up on time, chores, studying, or extra training for a sport, motivation is always to blame when a child fails to do what you expect of them.
So, when a parent thinks motivation is the problem, they also use motivation as the solution. Therefore, this leads parents to dangle carrots and sticks out in front to try to jump start their child’s motivation. The hope is that a little external (i.e., conditional, or tough) love can motivate a child to develop self-motivation.
However, contrary to this belief, motivation is almost never the root cause of a child’s struggles. Instead, motivation is just a symptom.
Here’s an example scenario…
Your child is struggling in math class. She may possibly fail the class if she doesn’t make a drastic change in her study habits. So, you offer her a reward! You tell her if she passes the class, you will buy her the latest and greatest iPhone. As a result, your child’s excitement is through the roof at the possibility of getting a phone upgrade and her motivation is at an all-time high to study.
It’s at this point you think you did your job as a parent, but you really made things worse. Your child fails the next test anyway. Now, she has no motivation at all. It turns out that she isn’t struggling in the class because she wasn’t doing her best to study before. She is struggling in the class because she doesn’t know how to study and what to study.
In this case, assuming the problem was motivation created a motivation problem that didn’t exists before. Moreover, you missed an opportunity to find out the root cause of the original problem.
Even though motivating your child did create excitement to study harder, she also really needed a tutor. Motivation like this without a plan for success is like getting all dressed up with no place to go. Providing a child with carrot or stick motivation without having a plan to set them up for success is a huge and avoidable mistake.
When done with the right touch, carrot and stick motivation can lead to self-motivation, but without that right touch it can also kill a child’s motivation completely. Simply stated, proceed with caution.