Chris Mance II - Mental Skills Coach

Most wrestling dads have fun enjoying all the various moments in and around youth and high school wrestling. Unfortunately, there are also many dads who don’t. I sympathize with these dads because a few years ago I was one of those guys.

A few years ago, my wife had to constantly remind me that youth wrestling was supposed to be fun for me and my two sons. She had to tell me this because more often than not my oldest son wasn’t having fun and I wasn’t either.

The fact of the matter is that if dads don’t approach youth wrestling with the right mindset, it can be emotionally taxing. This emotional tax is spearheaded by the financial burden.

Emotional Stress Due to the Cost of Youth Wrestling

The money invested in traveling, private coaching, camps, team fees among other things can cause friction between a husband and wife not on the same page. For me it became an addiction. It started with me keeping from my wife the amount of money I was spending to keep up with other families pouring money into traveling to tournaments, camps, and private coaching.

In addition, I didn’t have a plan or a budget. I was just following what I saw others doing. This alone was enough to take the fun out of youth wrestling. Yet, this was just the tip of the iceberg.

Emotional Stress from Blaming Your Kids for Lack of ROI

With all the money I was investing, I expected a return. I expected my son to get better with each additional dollar spent. At any moment I saw him not giving effort, I was ready to lose it. My mentality was that I didn’t care if he won or lost, I just wanted to see him giving effort. When he didn’t give effort, it showed me he wasn’t being grateful for all I was investing in him.

Never could I imagine that the pressure I was putting on him was causing him not to have fun, and him not having fun was driving his lack of effort.

Emotional Stress from Making Winning the Most Important Thing

As shown above, fun moments were few and far between. However, my family always had fun after wins. As a result, winning was the only thing my son cared about. I wasn’t teaching him to value good sportsmanship, preparation, work ethic, commitment, or teamwork. I would yell at him if he failed at any of those things. However, yelling doesn’t teach values. My actions showed him that only when he won, would he get rewarded. As a 9-year-old, that’s the only thing that mattered to him.

How I Brought the Fun Back to Youth Wrestling

I’m happy to report that now that my oldest son is 14, he’s been having fun with wrestling for the better part of the last five years. I got my spending habits in check and I value my relationship with my son more than I value his performance in wrestling.

The turning point was when I began noticing that I was getting the same type of feedback about my behavior from various mentors and coaches in my life. In addition, I recognized my pattern of bad behavior in the stories they were telling me about their experience as dads. I took to heart this feedback and made a commitment to change. This led me to follow a philosophy of mindset first, and it’s working wonders.

The 5 Things I Did to Change

1. I now focus on nurturing my children’s strengths, and don’t dwell on their weaknesses. I don’t ignore weaknesses, I just do enough so those weaknesses don’t get in their way. My children are always happier and perform better when we focus on their strengths.
2. I never punish my kids for their performance. If I see an area that requires a change in behavior, I focus on creating a plan for that change. I look at ways to change their routines or establish habit forming schedules. I work with them to create a plan and then hold them accountable to follow it.
3. Expectations are never based on how much money I spend. If we travel 1000 miles to compete and lose, so be it. My expectations are now based on learning, not winning.
4. I went from carrot and stick motivation to cultivating self-motivation. I learned that I was decreasing their motivation when my kids would require a treat before they would do something hard. What’s more, threatening punishments only motivated them to do the right thing when I was looking. Transitioning to focus on their self-motivation is not easy, but my kids are always happier when their self-motivated so it’s worth it.
5. Teaching them to have the right mindset is my #1 sports goal. If my two boys leave my house when their 18 with the right mindset, I’ve done my job. I define having the right mindset as:

• Process and not an outcome mindset
• Growth and not a fixed mindset
• Building strengths and not a fixing weaknesses mindset
• Tasks and not an ego mindset
• Strategic and not an impulsive mindset.

You Can Learn from My Mistakes

I believe any wrestling dad can make the changes I made to bring the fun back to youth wrestling. They just need to take the first step.

When you are ready to take this step, I can help you learn from my mistakes. This is my life’s calling. I’m confident I can get you back to having fun, enjoying the journey, and helping your kids reach their goals without sacrificing happiness. You can contact me here to start the conversation.