If a Parent Initiates Every Activity a Child Starts Except Games and Social
If you initiate every activity your child starts other than playing games and being social, then this is for you. For example, your child needs extra practice and the only time they do that extra practice is when you tell them to do it. Or, your child plays two sports and an instrument, and the reason they participate in all three activities is because of your prodding.
In this case you’re not giving your child the opportunity to experience the world through their innate self-motivation. To put it differently, you are molding your child. Moreover, when you mold your child, you don’t let them unfold their unique personality.
Harvard psychologist Lisa Feldman Barrett, Ph.D., shares a great metaphor for this in her article Do these 7 things if you want to raise kids with flexible, resilient brains.
Carpenters carve wood into the shape they want. Gardeners help things to grow on their own by cultivating a fertile landscape.
Likewise, parents can sculpt their child into something specific, say, a concert violinist. Or they can provide an environment that encourages healthy growth in whatever direction the child takes.
You might want your kid to play violin in Symphony Hall someday, but forcing them to take lessons (the carpenter approach) might build a virtuoso, or a kid who views music as an unpleasant chore.
The gardener approach would be to sprinkle a variety of musical opportunities around the home and see which ones spark your child’s interest. Do they love to bang on pots and pans? Maybe your child is a budding heavy metal drummer.
Once you understand what kind of plant you’re growing, you can “adjust the soil” for it to take root and flourish.
Developing a Child’s Self-Motivation Using the Gardening Approach to Foster Autonomy, Mastery, and Purpose
When you simplify the concept of self-motivating children, it comes down to three keys: autonomy, mastery, and purpose. The carpeting parenting approach can foster mastery and purpose, but it doesn’t foster autonomy. On the other hand, the gardening parenting approach can foster all three. What’s more, without autonomy it’s essentially impossible for a child’s self-motivation to develop.
- Autonomy: Motivating a child by either providing options to pick from or giving that child complete control of a choice. Then also giving the child the freedom to see their choice through to completion without adult intervention.
- Mastery: Motivating a child by putting the child in a position to continually get better at something he or she enjoys.
- Purpose: Motivating a child with a goal that is both internally meaningful as well as meaningful to others.
This basic framework comes from author Daniel Pink as presented in his book Drive. Pink uses these three basic motivators in the context of motivating employees at work. However, parents would be smart to apply this same concept to help their children develop self-motivation.