Chris Mance II - Mental Skills Coach

Today I came across a classic parenting “listicle” that turned out to be much more than just clickbait. The title of the article had all the makings of a link that would over promise and underdeliver: Harvard psychologist to parents: Do these 7 things if you want to raise kids with flexible, resilient brains. Surprisingly though, this article actually has some meat on it.

All 7 of the suggestions are pretty good. However, the one I think will stick with most people the longest is the author’s suggestion for parents to “be a gardener, not a carpenter “. I love metaphors as tools to remember important concepts, and this is a metaphor for how to develop a child’s self-motivation that’s too good to ignore. The author states:

Carpenters carve wood into the shape they want. Gardeners help things to grow on their own by cultivating a fertile landscape.

Likewise, parents can sculpt their child into something specific, say, a concert violinist. Or they can provide an environment that encourages healthy growth in whatever direction the child takes.

You might want your kid to play violin in Symphony Hall someday, but forcing them to take lessons (the carpenter approach) might build a virtuoso, or a kid who views music as an unpleasant chore.

The gardener approach would be to sprinkle a variety of musical opportunities around the home and see which ones spark your child’s interest. Do they love to bang on pots and pans? Maybe your child is a budding heavy metal drummer.

Once you understand what kind of plant you’re growing, you can “adjust the soil” for it to take root and flourish.

Developing a Child’s Self-Motivation Using the Gardening Approach to Foster Autonomy, Mastery, and Purpose

When you simplify the concept of self-motivating children, it comes down to three keys: autonomy, mastery, and purpose. The carpeting parenting approach can foster mastery and purpose, but it doesn’t foster autonomy. On the other hand, the gardening parenting approach can foster all three. What’s more, without autonomy it’s essentially impossible for a child’s self-motivation to develop.

• Autonomy: Motivating a child by either providing options to pick from or giving that child complete control of a choice. Then also giving the child the freedom to see their choice through to completion without adult intervention.
• Mastery: Motivating a child by putting the child in a position to continually get better at something he or she enjoys.
• Purpose: Motivating a child with short, medium and long term goals put into a plan that is both realistic and meaningful to him or her.

This basic framework comes from author Daniel Pink as presented in his book Drive. Pink uses these three basic motivators in the context of motivating employees at work. However, applying the same concept to parents who need to motivate children is both practical and judicious.