When Your Child Gives Less Effort as Challenges Get Harder
When a child is clearly giving less effort when they face difficult challenges, then this is a clear sign that the child is focusing too much on the outcome. When a child focuses too much on the outcome, they lose focus on the process of getting better. As a result, when the outcome they desire appears to be too difficult to achieve, motivation to get better decreases substantially.
The main reason for this behavior is to protect the ego. Intentionally not giving one’s best effort becomes the excuse for failure, not talent or skills. A child can always say his or her only reason for not achieving was because they didn’t care.
This process of rationalizing failure by giving less effort is something a parent must address immediately. The longer this mentality last the harder it is to change. I recommend trying three methods to help a child change this behavior.
1) Help Your Child Break Down their Goals into Process Steps
Help your child create multiple process goals for each outcome goal. For example, if your child has a goal to be a state champion, then ask them what daily and weekly routines they think they will need to achieve this goal. This may include things like:
- Waking up early for an extra practice session.
- Doing drills 4 days a week with a private coach.
- Studying film for 30 minutes each night before bed.
In addition to creating these process goals, celebrate these goals. Each time your child completes and extra practice session or studies film for example, make it a point to acknowledge it as an achievement.
Furthermore, each process goal doesn’t need to deal with preparation. Process goals could be in-competition goals that have nothing to do with winning or losing. I call these “micro-achievements”, and they are especially important when a child is facing a difficult challenge. What’s more, although these “micro-achievements” won’t always translate to winning, they still must be meaningful and represent progress.
2) Provide Constructive Feedback that Shows Them You Value Process over Outcomes
This method is 100% about the parent and coach. Too often feedback is on outcomes such as winning and losing. It would be a good idea to go completely cold turkey on outcome feedback.
Instead, direct all feedback towards the process. Help your child research what processes they need and document what they learn and how they will apply it. In addition, help them gauge if they are on or off track with their progress as they apply process changes.
3) Go Over and Beyond to Show them You Value ‘Who They Are’ NOT ‘What They Do’
Many parents and coaches inadvertently show more love when athletes have positive outcomes. The truth is parents and coaches don’t love their athletes less when they lose or love them more when they win. However, this is what it feels like when a child gets taken to a special dinner after a win and leftovers after they lose. So, a big step you can take to show a child that you value them is to treat them the same no matter the outcome. In some cases, consider treating them even better than normal when a loss comes after providing their best effort both before and during a competition.