Chris Mance II - Mental Skills Coach

One of the things I’ve done to “level up” my parenting skills over the last 14 years is to switch from using reverse psychology to choice psychology.

Reverse psychology is about getting your kids to do things you know is best for them but they don’t want to do. At its core, basic reverse psychology is simply suggesting to a hard headed person you want them to do the opposite of what you really want, so they choose your true desired action. In a vacuum, reverse psychology is nothing more than manipulation that sends mixed signals.  At its worst, it leads to more harm than good.

Unquestionably, as a parent I’ve failed at using reverse psychology more often than I’d like to admit. When reverse psychology doesn’t work, all you can do is kick yourself for not just being more direct. As a result, learning how to replace reverse psychology with choice psychology is a game changer. Obviously, the difference between the two is swapping the word reverse for choice. However as the saying goes, the devil is in the details.

What is Choice Psychology?

As the name suggest, choice psychology is getting your child to choose what’s good for them over what feels good to them. This implies that the parenting goal is to help your child mature so they know how to choose the right thing without you explicitly telling them what’s right.

With that in mind, good choice psychology starts by suggesting to your child that you are indifferent about the “choice” they make, even when you do care. Be mindful that this more subtle approach only works when your child is in a situation to make a good choice.  This means they understand both the long term and short term pros and cons of their choice.  If you rush through this process and give them a choice with no context, more likely than not they will choose the feel good option. 

So before you attempt choice psychology:

• Start with a conversation about choices and decision making. 
• Discuss how short term pleasure can impact long term goals. 
• Use a hypothetical situation to ask them to choose what they would do and explain the potential impacts of their choice. 

Once you establish this context, your child will be in a position to choose between what’s good for them and what feels good to them.

Obviously, this could be time consuming and your child will eventually catch on if you do it too much.  So it’s best to use this technique only in meaningful moments.  If done right, however, these teachable exercises in choice will lead to you raising a smart decision maker who makes choices based on facts instead of emotions.