The Relationship Between Praise, Self-Esteem, and Narcissism
Today I came across a thought provoking article on the Fatherly blog. The title of the article is Poor Self-Esteem Runs in the Family. Here’s How to Break the Cycle. The article provides several good insights, but one in particular caught my eye.
Self-esteem, therefore, isn’t built on praise in itself, but the right kind of praise. Namely, parents don’t want to praise kids for just doing things well, but also when they try and fail. While some parents worry about too much self-esteem leading narcissism, this is actually a psychological response to low self-esteem. Narcissists only derive worth from their wins and need constant praise to keep their big, fragile egos from shattering. In other words, praise isn’t the problem — it’s more of a symptom, and occasionally, a scapegoat. Likewise, the idea of raising tough and resilient kids who don’t depend on praise comes from high self-esteem. These are the people who know their worth regardless of what happens.
This short passage says so much, in so few words. This correlation between praise, self-esteem, and narcissism is something all parents should be aware of. In summary, the key takeaway is the following:
- Praise is important, but not all praise is good.
- Self-esteem comes from being confident in success and failure.
- Praising failure is good, but only if it comes after genuine effort.
- Praising failure when there is no effort is bad.
- Likewise, praising success when there is no effort can also be bad.
- Counterintuitively, narcissism is not the result of too much praise and self-esteem.
- Narcissism (in part) is the result of too little of the right type and too much of the wrong type of praise, which causes the lack of self-esteem.