Parenting 101: Status vs. Likability
Today I was thankful when a friend shared a truly great parenting article with me. I didn’t think the article was going to be good when I first read the title. I figured it was one of those clickbait articles with little substance. Boy was I wrong.
This article comes from the Atlantic Magazine and the title is Stop Trying to Raise Successful Kids. It’s co-written by Adam Grant and Allison Sweet Grant. Contrary to the controversial title, this article is not very controversial at all. It makes complete sense and I highly recommend you spend 15 minutes or so reading it for yourself.
Without rehashing the authors point by point, there is one parenting tip in particular that stood out to me. The authors state:
…Psychologists distinguish between two paths to popularity: status (which derives from being dominant and commanding attention) and likability (which comes from being friendly and kind). Adolescents are often drawn to status, flocking to cool kids who seem superior, even if they’re not particularly nice…
Children are similarly quick to admire peers on the basis of their accomplishments—the fastest runner on the team, say, or the winner of the talent show. We don’t think parents should police friendships, but we do think it’s important to nudge kids to notice classmates who are kind and compassionate.
This concept of popularity based on status vs. likability is something that parents shouldn’t overlook. This is a core lesson that parents should discuss with their kids from a young age. Especially parents of children who are serious about playing sports.
Often, dedicated young athletes define their self-worth based on the status they derive from being a good athlete. As a result, a young athlete’s self-worth often becomes largely dependent on how they perform. As long as they win, they feel good. But a few bad outcomes in a row could send their confidence and self-worth spiraling down.
Teaching serious young athletes that they can be likeable and popular without the status they gain from playing sports is critical. What’s more, teaching these athletes to value others based on how kind and helpful they are rather than only valuing accomplishments is just as important.
As eloquently stated by Allison and Adam Grant:
The real test of parenting is not what your children achieve, but who they become and how they treat others.