Chris Mance II - Mental Skills Coach

Interpreting a child’s behavior is a complex undertaking. Over thousands of years philosophers, scientist, and psychologist have all made attempts to define the “why” behind human behavior. What’s more, over the last 8 months I have pored hundreds of hours of my time into studying these theories.

At this point, my main conclusion is that most of the theories and research studies are not practical for application in real world parenting scenarios. This is ultimately what I’m looking for. A simple way for parents to interpret a child’s behavior in a way that’s useful for decision making.

With that said, I believe a theory that’s thousands of years old meets this need best. Its the often overused, but practically applicable means-ends theory.

• Means: An action one takes to achieve a desire
• Ends: A desire one intrinsically values

It’s important to note that looking at this theory from an ethical standpoint as in the famous question: “does the ends justifies the means” is not my goal. To clarify so there is no confusion, I’m using means-ends specifically as a tool to interpret behavior.

Means-Ends to Interpret a Child’s Behavior

The practical application of means-ends to interpret a child’s behavior requires parents to first establish a basis for what drives and motivates their child. Reading the following articles provide a good crash course on how.

• The Difference Between Drive and Motivation and Why Parents Should Care
• Are Your Children Motivated by Happiness or Satisfaction?
• Spotting What Drives Your Child’s Self-Motivation

Secondly, assuming that you have a handle on what innately drives your child (their “ends”), now you can interpret what behaviors act as a “means” to achieve these innate drives.

My favorite example is using a child who has borderline addiction to the game Fortnite. By and large, playing Fortnite could potentially fulfill 4 innate drives.

1. Social Bonding: Talking with friends while gaming and about gaming fulfills this desire. If this is a child’s only means to bond with their friends, then they will have a strong desire to connect while playing
2. Autonomy: Playing games like Fortnite allow kids to make their own decisions and be in charge of their environment. If your child has a strong desire to master their own fate, gaming might be their only means to fulfill this desire.
3. Accomplishment: Being the best or at least having others recognize you as the best is something games like Fortnite easily facilitate. Leader boards, declaring winners and losers, and tracking stats make video games like Fortnite very attractive to kids who desire these things.
4. Challenge: Games can easily change environments, goals, and strategies to evolve game play. This creates new and exciting challenges for gamers. If there aren’t other challenges like this in other areas of a child’s life, gaming might be their only means to fulfill this desire.

Changing the Means that Fulfill End Desires

Once a parent knows the end desire of their child, a strategy to change the child’s means is possible. This strategy must include collaboration with the child, as well as trial and error.

For example, going back to the child who has borderline addiction to Fortnite. Let’s say the parent finds out the child is playing Fortnite to fulfill a desire for challenge. The next step is to collaborate with the child to write down a list of other challenging activities to try. Then make time for the child to try them during the time they would normally use for gaming.

Eventually the goal is to find an activity they like so much they prefer it over gaming. If this is difficult, it might be a matter of reevaluating the end desires. A child may need a combination of end desires met before an activity is fulfilling.