Why Some Sports Families Struggle Emotionally
Most families have fun enjoying all the various moments in and around youth sports. Unfortunately however, there are also many families who don’t. I sympathize with these families because a few years ago my family was one of them.
A few years ago, my wife had to constantly remind me that youth sports is suppose to be fun. She had to tell me this because my son wasn’t having fun and I wasn’t either.
The fact of the matter is that if parents don’t approach youth sports with the right mindset, it can be emotionally taxing. This emotional tax is spearheaded by the financial burden.
Emotional Stress Due to the Cost of Youth Sports
The money invested in traveling, private coaching, camps, team fees among other things can cause friction between a husband and wife not on the same page. For me it became an addiction. It started with me keeping from my wife the amount of money I was spending to keep up with other families pouring money into travel teams, camps and private coaching.
In addition, I didn’t have a plan or a budget. I was just following what I saw others doing. This alone was enough to take the fun out of it. Yet, this was just the tip of the iceberg.
Emotional Stress From Blaming Your Kids For Lack of ROI
With all the money I was investing, I expected a return. I expected my son to get better with each additional dollar spent. At any moment I saw him not giving effort, I was ready to lose it. My mentality was that I didn’t care if he won or lost, I just wanted to see him giving effort. When he didn’t give effort it showed me he wasn’t being grateful for all I was investing in him.
Never could I imagine that the pressure I was putting on him was causing him not to have fun, and him not having fun was driving his lack of effort.
Emotional Stress From Making Winning the Most Important Thing
As shown above, fun moments were few and far between. However, my family always had fun after wins. As a result, winning was the only thing my son cared about. I wasn’t teaching him to value good sportsmanship, preparation, work ethic, commitment, or team work. I would yell at him if he failed at any of those things. However, yelling doesn’t teach values. My actions showed him that only when he won, would he get rewarded. As a 9 year old, that’s the only thing that mattered to him.
How I Brought the Fun Back to Youth Sports
I’m happy to report that my son is 12 now, and for the better part of the last three years he’s been having fun. I got my spending habits in check and I value my relationship with my son more than I value his performance in sports.
The turning point was when I began noticing that I was getting the same type of feedback about my behavior from various mentors and coaches in my life. I recognized my pattern of bad behavior in the stories they were telling me about their experience as dads. I took to heart this feedback, and made a commitment to change. This led me to follow a philosophy of happiness first, and it’s working wonders.
The 5 Things I Did to Change
- I now focus on nurturing my children’s strengths, and don’t dwell on their weaknesses. I don’t ignore weaknesses, I just do enough so those weaknesses don’t get in their way. My children are always happier and perform better when we focus on their strengths.
- I never punish my kids for their performance. If I see an area that requires a change in behavior, I focus on creating a plan for that change. I look at ways to change their routines or establish habit forming schedules. I work with them to create a plan and then hold them accountable to follow it.
- Expectations are never based on how much money I spend. If we travel 1000 miles to compete and lose, so be it. My expectations are now based on learning, not winning.
- I went from carrot and stick motivation to cultivating self-motivation. I learned that I was decreasing their motivation when my kids would require a treat before they would do something hard. What’s more, threatening punishments only motivated them to do the right thing when I was looking. Transitioning to focus on their self-motivation is not easy, but my kids are always happier when their self-motivated so it’s worth it.
- Teaching them to have the right mindset is my #1 sports goal. If my two boys leave my house when their 18 with a growth mindset, I’ve done my job. Having a growth mindset means you believe you can get better at something through hard work and effort even when facing failure after failure.
You Can Learn From My Mistakes
I believe any sports family can make the changes I made to bring the fun back to youth sports. They just need to take the first step.
When you are ready to take this step, I can help you learn from my mistakes. This is my life’s calling. I’m confident I can get your family back to having fun, enjoying the journey, and reaching your goals without sacrificing happiness. You can contact me here to start the conversation.