The Biggest Mistake I Made as a Dad-Coach
I started coaching my oldest son in youth wrestling when he was 6 years old. He had other coaches, but I felt like I owned the job of being his primary coach.
Looking back I see now that I made several mistakes those first few years while he was a beginner wrestler. As a matter of fact, keeping other parents from making those same mistakes is one of the things that drives me to write everyday on this blog.
One of those mistakes is by far worse than all the others. I actually caught myself in the act once my second son started wrestling.
It Started at Practice
It was a normal day of wrestling practice with both of my sons on the mat. My youngest son was on the beginner side and my oldest was on the advanced side. As a volunteer coach, I often was given the choice to bounce back and forth to help out on either side. On this particular day I chose to help out on the beginner side.
My youngest son was only 5 years old at the time, so I didn’t put any pressure on him and he just had fun in practice. My older son however was already a state finalist and this was the year I expected he would become a youth state champion. So even though I was coaching on the beginner side, my heart was on the advanced side with my older son. I kept peering over at him and yelling across the room at him whenever I saw he wasn’t giving his best effort.
At the end of practice when live wrestling started, my older son didn’t perform well at all. He was totally checked out and was getting beat badly by kids he was normally competitive with.
It Got Worse After Practice
On the ride home I lectured him about his effort during the entire trip. I gave his little brother a snack, but told him he couldn’t have one because he didn’t earn it.
Once we got home I gave him the silent treatment. However, with his little brother I was being my normal loving self. I continued with this as I put his little brother to bed without saying a word to him. Moments later on my way to my own room is when it hit me like a sack of bricks.
What I Learned from My Mistake
I was an awful dad. I was conditionally showing love to my son based on his performance. This behavior didn’t feel natural. I thought for a moment about how often I had did this in the past. I reflected on why I was doing this and if doing this would help or hurt my son over time. It’s at that moment I realized that this behavior never helped in any way and only made things worse.
My conclusion was that I could never do this, ever again. So I went back to my son’s room and gave him a hug. We talked about what happened that day and I made sure to tell him how much I loved him and that my behavior was absolutely awful. I owned up to my mistake and apologized profusely. I vowed to never behave like this again.
Now I believe the biggest mistake a parent (especially a parent-coach) can make is to show love conditionally. Furthermore, to make snacks, desserts, and any other treat or prize conditional on performance is just as bad.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think it’s bad to encourage effort or provide feedback about the lack there of. However, there is a time and a place for both and there is never a reason to show anger in the process of doing either.
We all make mistakes as parents. The important thing is once you recognize a mistake, learn from it and never make that mistake again.