Chris Mance II - Mental Skills Coach

I often have to remind people that most parents don’t have high expectations for their kids. If they did, then those expectations would be average and not high. With that said, I believe high expectations are defined by expecting your child to achieve one or more of the following:

1. Valedictorian of their graduating class
2. A nationally recognized designation such as a national championship, All-American, or National Merritt Scholar
3. Earning membership to an elite team or group
4. Acceptance to an elite university
5. Full-ride scholarship to a division 1 university
6. Advancement to a professional or Olympic athlete
7. Success in a sought after, high-paying profession such as doctor, lawyer, investment banker, or engineer

If you are a parent with these type of expectations for your kids, then be careful. Be very careful. Don’t make a common mistake and sabotage your child’s future.

Killing A Child’s Motivation With Overparenting

The #1 mistake parents with high-expectations make is overparenting. Overparenting is a term that sums up all the things parents do that kill a child’s ability to be self-motivated. Things such as:

• Paying your child for good grades, winning, and other success metrics
• Overscheduling your child with tutors and private coaching
• Not allowing time for fun, play and creativity
• Doing your child’s homework and/or projects for them
• Completing admissions applications for them
• Making friends for them
• Solving routine problems for them
• Not letting your child face failure
• Hovering over your child at practice and in other social context
• Contradicting your child’s coaching
• Intervening to advocate for your child’s playing time or position

If you have ever done any of these things for or to your child then you may be at risk of winning in the short term and losing in the long run. Yes, your high expectations coupled with your overparenting may drive your child to actually achieve those expectations. Yes, you may be able to get what you want out of your child.

However, at what cost?

The Cost of Overparenting

The cost of overparenting is sky high. We all know that private coaching and tutors are expensive. As well as the cost of participating on elite level teams and attending elite universities among other things.

However, these cost are just the tip of the iceberg. These superficial cost do not represent the true cost of overparenting.

That true cost is at best an unhappy child, at worst a teenager burdened with depression or anxiety, and eventually an adult dependent on you well into their 30s.

Overparenting has a negative return on investment and depreciates 100% in value. Bottom line, there is no way to justify this cost with whatever short term gains you can derive.