What I’m Doing to Develop Intrinsic Motivation in My Children
When children are intrinsically motivated they are happier and healthier. Intrinsic motivation is the drive to complete an activity for only the satisfaction gained in doing the activity. This satisfaction comes in the absence of external pressure or reward.
Using external pressures and rewards amounts to taking a shortcut. The problem with shortcuts is that you get there faster, but at a cost. This cost is missing out on the learning gained from experiencing the long path.
I’ve tried motivational shortcuts in the past, and the results are never what I really wanted. Here’s what I’m working on doing instead.
1) Using Collaborative Decision Making
Of course there are the “non-negotiables” like bed time, homework, chores, etc… I may use “some” collaborative decision making with those activities, but for the most part I’m not talking about this.
I’m talking mostly about the extra-curricular activities. I’m going to spend more time discussing options as well as pros and cons. While talking through the choices, I will make sure I work on building my children’s decision making skills.
Ultimately, the idea is to help them learn how to make decisions using logic and reason, then own that decision. If they own the decision, they will also own the outcome.
2) Family Goal Setting
In the past I have done goal setting with my kids, but they didn’t get a chance to see me set my goals. Instead, now I am going to schedule family time for all of us to set goals together.
By modeling the behavior I want my children to emulate, I can serve as a role model. In addition, my children can hold me accountable to my goals just as I will hold them accountable.
3) Provide Autonomy and Communicate Trust
The point here is to stop over scheduling them in activities. I want to give them more free time in their schedule to do what they want. If they choose to waste their time, so be it. If they choose to work on their goals, mission accomplished. The only feedback I will give them is their progress in reaching their goals. I must show that I trust them to take corrective action if needed, and that I trust their decisions.
I expect that this will be the hardest thing for me to do. I also expect for this to not go as planned at the start.
However, at some point they will no longer be living under my roof and must make choices about their free time without my input. The sooner they start making these choices the better. Experience is the only way to learn the lesson of using your time wisely.
Values Over Punishments and Rewards
To conclude, I believe that the only way to help children develop the skills to grow into self-motivated adults is to focus on values. Using punishments and rewards are only effective in teaching values in the short term.
What’s more, values such as purpose, sacrifice, preparation, discipline, creativity, helping others, work ethic, commitment, community, and team work can’t be taught with external motivators. My hope is that by starting with these intrinsic motivation techniques I can put my children on the right path on their journey to adulthood.