Chris Mance II - Mental Skills Coach

One of the worst feelings a parent can have is to think their child has unrealistic goals. This morning one of my favorite daily email newsletters hit my inbox touching on this very topic.

The email was from All Pro Dad. The newsletter contained their “play of the day” which was a blog post titled 6 Ways to Manage Your Kids’ Big Dreams. This blog post breaks down tips around these 6 concepts:

1. Don’t Squash the Dream
2. Don’t Be the Obstacle
3. Be Open About Your Own Dreams
4. Embrace the Support Role
5. Provide Education
6. Ground Them in Faith

What do you do when you child has Unrealistic Goals

All of the tips in this article are great.  However, one particular line of thinking around unrealistic goals really tugged at my emotional strings.  The author states:

Psychologically speaking, it is never wise to tell anyone, much less a teenager, they aren’t good enough to do something. Even if your child averages C’s in Algebra, and they are telling you they dream of designing rockets for space, never discount the possibility.

Obviously, we all want to be our child’s biggest cheerleaders. Therefore giving them a dose of reality that squashes their dreams is the last thing a parent wants to do. But could avoiding this reality check do your child more harm than good?

I say yes.  A parent who is only a cheerleader is setting their child up not only for failure, but the worst type of failure.  Failure without learning.

I believe the best thing a parent can do for their child is to tell their child that you think their goals are unrealistic. Although, you can’t start there and you can’t stop there.

First, you must ask them why they have that goal. Really understand your child’s thinking and belief system underling their reasons for wanting to achieve the goal.  Then and only then should you tell them you think their goal is unrealistic.  While at the same time telling them in detail why, using statistics and research to back your thinking.

Unrealistic Goals are Less Unrealistic with Plans

Finally, you need to work with your child to create a plan to make their unrealistic goal less unrealistic.  If you child is a 5 foot 5 senior in high school and wants to play in the NBA, your plan will likely have a lot of limitations. However, this doesn’t me you shouldn’t go through the motions of creating a plan and helping your child execute it.

Failing at achieving a goal can be a very beneficial life lesson and provide learning to fuel personal growth.  But only if you fail the right way.  The process of planning and executing that plan is where you will find those lessons and learning.  The biggest of which is that the process matters more than the outcome.

It’s this process that will teach your child how to grind with a plan instead of grinding for the sake of grinding. Whether or not it’s an unrealistic goal doesn’t matter.  It’s the process of going after the goal that matters.

Summing up the 5 Steps to Address an Unrealistic Goal

To conclude, here’s the quick summary of the 5 steps a parent can take to address an unrealistic goal.

1. Ask your child why they have that goal. Really understand their thinking and belief system
2. Be upfront and tell them you think their goal is unrealistic
3. Tell your child in detail why the goal is unrealistic, using statistics and research to back your thinking
4. Work with your child to create a plan to make their unrealistic goal less unrealistic
5. Execute the plan with your child holding them accountable to the grind required to make real progress.

If you want help with this process, please don’t hesitate to contact me.