Comparison Praise Has Negative Effects, Limits Potential
Comparison praise is praise given to someone based on how they compare with others. For example, praising a child by saying he or she is the smartest in their class. In this example, you are not actually complimenting the child, you are comparing the child to their classmates. As a result, praise like this may unconsciously cause negative effects.
This is according to a fantastic and informative book named “Big Potential” by Shawn Anchor. Anchor discusses the need to eliminate comparison praise extensively in Chapter 5. My full review of Big Potential is here.
I can’t stop thinking about his points on comparison praise. This is probably because I’m a big violator of his rule against using it.
One of Anchor’s points is that comparison praise is “attempting to prop people up by kicking others down!” He states:
When you tell someone that they are “better” than someone else, that by definition means that someone else is “worse.” Moreover, by telling someone they are “better” or “the best,” you are placing an unconscious, implicit limit on your expectation for what that other person can achieve. Also, if we are striving only to be better than someone else, doesn’t that set our expectations for ourselves too low? It tells us that as soon as we are just a little bit better than another person, we can stop trying even if it means stopping short of our potential.
The Negative Effects of Comparison Praise Unconsciously Limits Potential
Comparison praise is an unconscious signal to your child (or subordinate at work for example) that they have arrived. Being just a little better than the “competition” is enough. However, the reality is that the only true competition is the competition in the mirror. In addition, being just a little better than everyone else may still be well below one’s true potential.
So how do we stop this bad habit? Anchor suggest stopping this habit by changing our praise vocabulary:
The easiest way to stop comparison praise is simply to eliminate superlatives from our vocabulary — “the best,” “the fastest,” “the smartest,” “the prettiest.” All of these undercut others instead of telling people they are great in their own right. Instead, follow what what I consider an inviolable law of praise for leaders and parents: Do not compliment at the expense of others.
As a parent who uses comparison praise often, I believe I can follow this advice easily. Furthermore, I believe that this advice and the premise on which it’s built is spot on. No one should limit their potential based on the potential of others.
So if you believe words matter to the unconscious mind, then it follows that comparison praise is a type of praise you should aspire to eliminate.